Jaeger In Love

The World

2006-02-24T21:53:00.000-05:00

It was weird was what it was. Some revelational momentum raced throug my body and hit me full throttle - I don't think I'm ready. Not ready at all. Something's missing... and there's a void inside me.

- PGJG -

What's Up With That?

2006-02-21T01:01:00.000-05:00

So this one dude I was talking to before Dre straight up tells me that he's with a girl that looks like me.

Hell is that suppose to mean?

Requirements No More

2005-12-11T23:16:00.000-05:00

i suppose i should get some friends so he's not obligated to spend time with me - because frankly- i'm sick of feeling lonely when I shouldn't, i'm sick of going out by myself - i need friends and it's quite sad that i haven't exactly put effort to any close friendships here whatsoever. i'm an idiot.

so from now on - i will no longer require his companionship... i'm sick of asking when he'd rather spend his time in front of the computer watching documentaries and movies, or stay at home in his apartment. I'm so sick of always being the one who loves too much - it's always been my role in relationships and i'm fuckin' sick of it. For once damn it... i want someone to be crazy about me.

I'm fuckin' independent... i don't need a man by my side at all times. I'll be fine on my own. WTF was I thinking about?

Something Beautiful, Something Good

2005-11-13T23:38:00.000-05:00

If u can only believe that I turned on my Drama Queen Emmy Award Winning act - WOOO!!!

Okay, I had a chit chat drama episode with my manling and we discussed each others issues and discussed ways to make it work between us. as much as i have dealt with useless conversations in my past, what's different about this time was that it wasn't useless. he's really trying hard - what he promised - he does - not by words, but in action - this is new to me.

What's so different about this is that it humbled me and made me realize that I was quite unreasonable when I thought the only one who had to change was he - because I had no fault in anything. But while I didn't want to change anything about me - he was so open in trying to make things better between us that he held up his side of the bargain. How interesting. Something beautiful, something good, and I'm going to hold on to this guy for as long as I can - hopefully for a long long long long long long time. He has showed me that I too need to put effort, I too need to be considerate of his side.

As old as I am (25) you'd think that I've figured everything out about relationships - perhaps you only figure things out when you're with someone you're suppose to be with.

It's Happening

2005-11-10T00:45:00.000-05:00

The relationship plateau - the newness of the relationship has simmered down, the mysterious fog has finally disappeared, and I've come down from floating that famous cloud 9 that got me so blind and so high. So what now? Boredom - absofreakin'-lutely boredom.

I need a spark of romance, a thrill of hope - something that would sweep me off my feet - someone who loves me more than he loves himself, because I'm sick of being the one who loves more than I should - and it's sooo damn obvious and it usually gets abused. I hope it doesn't happen, but I'm so sick of this trend.

Have I never deserved it or something? Is it just me? Seriously, what the hell? Maybe I should just be a bitch because men chase after the bad girls who break their hearts. Seriously, what the ............................

Not Good

2005-11-06T09:55:00.000-05:00

I cant stand the guilt trips - of me being the heathen or the one breaking all the rules and being the deliberate victim.

I cant stand that my boyfriend doubts me and continually checks up my business online - digging through my history and checking out if I'm a badass - which I admit I am, but I feel violated. I hate when I get taken advantage of. I cant stand this shit. I really cant. I don't think I'm the type of person he sees in his future because I'm such the badass. He completely doubts me.

I'm not perfect enough, I'm not christian enough - I'm just me.

Frazzle Dazzle Romance

2005-09-19T00:27:00.000-04:00

It's still going well - as unbelievable as it sounds since my past relationships completely SUCKED!!!!

Anyhooo... we're doing well. He's quite an all right fellow that I'm absolutely compatible with.

Went to the bookstore today and he joked saying, "If I give you this card (it said friends forever), would you be mad at me?" <== he was alluding to friends only.

so ha ha ha ha ha... I grabbed a book next to me "1001 baby names" - and said, "Honey, would you be mad if I give you this book?" <=== that completely shut him up.

Good deal... we laughed about it.

This relationship is pretty nice - comfortable. I'm finally with someone i can completely joke around with or talk about everything and anything. Not just that - he's an awesome business partner.

I won myself the lottery. He's awesome!

Half a Year

2005-09-14T00:17:00.000-04:00

Hmmm... half a year... six months - what do you know? And I'm still happy. I hope this one lasts for a really long while.

Catharsis

2005-08-18T18:43:00.000-04:00

I used to be so heart broken when my ex cheated on me - but last night I found myself praying for his happiness - it was quite... sublime, peaceful, and I was granted understanding that came out of no where. Last night I finally forgave him. Quite shocking for my type who used to never forgive cheaters or those who wronged me.

But it's so funny, it just happened - why should I be mad if he broke my heart, and if he and I were never meant to be? Why should I be mad if there's someone out there better suited for him - someone compatible with him, someone who'll make him happy the way I couldn't? I mean, don't I want the same for myself? Isn't that what people want? Indeed, although these circumstances hurt the pride, tears should never be shed.

So I stopped worrying all together - about everything - trying to put assumptions to rest and let whatever happens, happen. No longer do I care about being cheated on because why would I stop a heart from meeting its one true Love? Why should I stop someone from meeting/dating/marrying someone who they're compatible with? Why should I keep stalling the inevitable? EXACTLY!!!! I shouldn't.

It makes so much sense! So much sense! And I do have so much going for me right now and I don't want to be young and foolish. I still have a ton of growing up to do because there are a ton of things I still need to understand - one of them is Love.

WOW - just WOW

2005-08-05T00:22:00.000-04:00

I told Phil that I'm dating someone - (Remember him? If not, read the past journal entries - all of them!!!) - and it was by far the most nerve racking, most nervous moment, of my semi called life.

The boy wanted to visit - (Say WHAT???) - and I hadn't told him I was with Dre yet - (are you serious Jag! OMG!) - so I finally told him - (good! You should have told him back in March anyway!).

So after i told him, he mentioned some stuff that made me feel that he was secretly still in... um yeah... Love. Hhhhhmmm. Girls notice you know? He and I also go way back - frankly the longest friendship relationship I've had with a guy - and it feels good. I've also got Dre - and I'm so happy with him.

I've been thinking about a lot of things you know - and frankly whatever the future holds - i'm a little nervous. It's so unexpected and sometimes hard to believe.

My Aunt just got married and later on told me, "It felt like we were just playing. I don't feel married yet but maybe after the honeymoon reality will hit me - it hasn't hit me yet."

I talked to my mom about marriage and everything else - she told me the same thing - that after her wedding, she couldn't believe she was married already - when she was pregnant - she couldn't believe she was going to have a baby - and etc.

I don't know though - it's one of those moments when I just want to curl up in a ball and bury myself in a corner and cry my eyes out - too personal to inclue in this public journal - and for more than anything else in the world, I wish God would hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be all right.

SMOOTH TALK ME !!!!

2005-07-26T00:56:00.000-04:00

[ bgmusic :: Sade - Smooth Operator ]

Ah yessss... men who are smooth operators who know exactly what to do and say to win the girl and will work hard for it - or maintain the girl.

I LOVE THE WIT!!!!

Few examples from what I watched...

Mild example 1:
Guy: I'm really not sure what i'm going to do tomorrow evening, call me before 8:30
Girl: Got a hot date or something?
Guy: Just the boys. I'm trying to work you in.
Girl: Say what?
Guy: The hot date that is.

Mild example 2:
Girl: So why do you want to see me tomorrow anyway?
Guy: Because I'm not getting the recommended daily smiles i should be getting.

Dude, I love stuff like that - although corny - THEY OWN!!!!!!!!

Some men make me smile - specially those who swoon me, and smooth talk me. Sway me baby!!!

Hey, everyone needs to get an ego boost once in a while.

All right, all right, my boyfriend is sweet though - he gives me flowers at least twice or once a month - He's a sweet one. Smooth operator? Hmmm... maybe he needs to work on that a little bit more.

Oh My Soul

2005-07-24T12:15:00.000-04:00

Exes - there are those you never want to see again and there are those you still talk to sporatically.

What's bad about ex boyfriends (that you're still friends with) is that they improve over the years and you look like crap. For example: the all american, basketball player, jock - has now turned Mr. Sophisticated.

What drives me insane is that I look like crap. What the hell Jaeger? What the hell is wrong with you? How in the world did you allow yourself to go down like that! That just bothers me - so now, I promise, this is for real... I will work hard to look better. OH IT'S ON!!!!

Happy For You Guys !!

2005-07-19T20:15:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to Dan and Natalie who are ENGAGED and getting married this Oct!!!

I LOVE YOU!!!

2005-06-26T22:32:00.000-04:00

I AM SO IN LOVE WITH MY MAN !!!! He's soooo... let's put it this way... he is the opposite of all the negative generalizations I made of typical jack@ss male behavior. He proved all my feministic theories wrong - AMAZING!!!

Stepford Wives

2005-06-20T21:18:00.000-04:00

I balled my eyes out - never thought this film would allow me to shed a tear. It's not one of those emotional drama type flicks that would make a person cry a river. But there are scenes in life that switch on nerves in the brain opening doors to memories past and emotions that simultaneously accompanied the experience. To have such circumstance happen once more would cause any person to go absolutely insane. Oh to trust somebody, what a priviledge!

Marriages

2005-06-10T18:30:00.000-04:00

Here's the recap on Dr. Metrosexual. He was a crazy player and had plenty of girls around the country. He was the type of guy I avoided all my life and for the life of me, I NEVER pictured him as the type who would commit...

So now the guy is married (last week). He married a model and he's so deeply in love with her. I've never seen him like this - he seriously calmed down which really surprises me. Shocking is the word for it. I'm glad he finally settled down. I'm happy for him. FINALLY!!! I thought I would never see the day.

Speaking of marriages, three of my friends in college are newly engaged. UG!! oh oh... another patient flashed me an engagement ring. GRRR!!!!! It's pretty cruel but I still feel like a kid playing a grown up's role. I feel a little inadequate to the point that I hate myself for not being mature enough. I'm 24 with no career, it's pathetic - no wonder I still feel like a looser.

Sucks

2005-06-09T18:55:00.000-04:00

So I cooked and this is why I don't do this kind if isht. The next day my man got the runs. UG!!! I'm not mad, just a bit let down since my previous boyfriends LOVED my cooking - they wanted thirds! Geez, I cooked a feast back in the day and now my current hates my cooking. UG!!! Just UG!!! The only crappy crap I've ever made was an avocado pie gone bad - that's it. Anyway, he's the only one who got sick, no one else did - so was it my cooking? Gosh, that's so sad.

Secret Is Out

2005-05-31T19:28:00.000-04:00

Ha Ha! So my sexy boyfriend found this blog and READ MOST OF IT. Wooo. He's so funny. Me mad? Nah... Embarrassed? um... heh... Absolutely! lol. I guess I don't have anything to hide from him anymore and yes, I am in LOVE!

My dad and I worked above the knife and performed surgery on Dre this past Sunday. He's was so dang it cute laying there helpless - good thing he's so good to me, otherwise I would have told the doctor not to use anesthetic. ;-) He and I are also building a recording studio in the basement of my house. Lots of things going on, so little time. We started on the computer station already. Hopefully we get everything (room, walls, floors, soundproof room, etc) finished by the end of July. And so yesterday, we all went to the circus and this is something I've never experienced in my life - and I'm not talking about the circus - It feels so wonderful to have my whole family like a boyfriend of mine - never happened before and it's just so... peaceful and I find that I'm loving him more. Did i just say that?

So yes, they like the kid. What's not to like? This cat passed the majority of MY TESTS and passed the majority of the non-negotiable checklist. Best candidate out there yet and I do consider myself BLESSED!

ESTUPIDA

2005-05-23T23:50:00.000-04:00

Am i that stupid? Am I that impervious that the net is public? Apparently so. I'm so stupid and now I'm a bit paranoid.

What Just Happened?

2005-05-12T21:33:00.000-04:00

I absolutely miss Dre. Despite his busy schedule, he always finds time for me and for almost three months, this is the first time we don't get to spend time together - a whole three days - which isn't bad because we both need space - but I sit here missing him. I'm so used to having him around - even my parents miss him.

I think this is serious - I let him borrow my laptop on his trip - and I NEVER let anyone touch that thing - it's that intense. Also, what just happened? His name is now listed under my video rental card. Wow - I surprise myself! There's one more thing that I NEVER let anyone touch - my car. NO NO NO NO NO!!! I've never let anyone drive it... just me. Dre hasn't driven it yet and it will take a lot - A LOT. It's the only thing that I own that has never been taken over or used by a guy and I wont let it happen till it gets extremely serious - so help me God.

So there's Trust in this relationship - the first time I've trusted anyone in any relationship actually. It's feels nice - it really does. I miss him.

EMO CARP

2005-05-09T00:29:00.000-04:00

It still rings in my head:

Jim: I'm in love with you.
Jag: I have a boyfriend - you cant say that.
Jim: I know, but I'm not going to let you go just like that
Jag: What? Uh, we're friends.
Jim: Yes, but I'm not going to stop being your friend or completely ignore you because of your boyfriend.
Jag: You should though
Jim: No
Jag: Why not?
Jim: Because I know that you two aren't going to be together forever
Jag: you're so sure of that ha?
Jim: Yes. Positive. I messed up. I will wait till you're single I want you to be mine.
Jag: *speechless* Um...

I think it's really odd that Phil, Jim, and Dre probably met in real life. They're all above 6'3 and they all played ball. It's weird though - everytime I am at the gym playing ball with Dre, I cant help but think of Jim, but mostly Phil. Although I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship... I am avoiding Phil and Jim's phone calls like crazy - it's insane.

Here's the thing. If I answer those calls, that would give me the temptation to cheat - which is probably the root of my stress thinking of Dre meeting Merideth (his fit, tight bodied, 5'8, good looking ex-girlfriend) at his friend's wedding - and then thinking history repeating itself. What I meant by that is he'd pull an Aaron (ex-boyfriend) and cheat on me with his exgirlfriend. OBVIOUSLEEEEEE!!!!!

And since Phil was the guy who had been constant in my life for the longest while - up until now and if i'm still single at 30 we'll get married - well... dude... I will never cheat on Dre - he's far too worth it to loose - but I haven't told Phil about Dre and I. Probably because I've been avoiding him like the plague. UG!!!! Probably why I'm all worried and being this emo carp about dre going to this wedding.

All right. I feel better now.

I HATE DRAMA & DANG IT... I'M CREATING MY OWN.

Fuckin' Weddings !!!!

2005-05-07T01:44:00.000-04:00

First of all, I never expressed my undying hatred for weddings. I FUCKIN' HATE THEM. and i don't say the F word at all but look there, I already used it twice. I am fuming.

Bad memories with weddings. Went to some friends' wedding where I was the maid of honor and it turned out to be the biggest nightmare of my life. First off, I didn't deserve the role - frankly I sucked at it because I was too fuckin' worried that my boyfriend at the time was still in love with his ex who happened to be at the wedding - who happened to be the same shitty ex-girlfriend who he cheated on me with at another previous wedding that he confessed to me and begged me on bended knees for a month to get back together with him - and i was an idiot for forgiving his foolishness.

I just hate weddings. That is all. It's so obvious why I'm writing this. UGH! And I'm not attending one.

The Ultimate

2005-05-01T20:49:00.000-04:00

How to scare a guy as fast as possible? Hmmm, i've done it ALL to my boyfriend - intentionally. I don't like beating around the bush and laging on to see if he's a real man or a boy.

1) brought him home to meet the parents
2) asked him to go to church with me
3) asked him to sing in front in church with me
4) told him to hold my purse and my dog in public

There had been lots of tests that came accidentally - but here's the ultimate - Dre spent 7 hours alone with my parents. he had dinner with them thursday night and friday - ROAD TRIP to Michigan where he spent 4.5 hours alone with my parents in an Escalade, and then three glorious days with my whole family for Graduation weekend.

It didn't scare him away. I thought it would since he saw how busted up i could look in the morning and how i acted during stressful situations - oh and stuffing my face with the abundance of food. Dude, that would have turned me off right there - I was scared he'd walk out on me after this trip - but no. he seems to LOVE me even more. Shocking... but i'm definitely falling for this guy. My parents are in LOVE with him too. Falling, yes, I am falling. No Doubt.

THERE !!!!!!

2005-04-25T00:07:00.000-04:00

He said it, no, not the three words, but the four words.

When my parents said their goodnight's - we were left alone in the living room with the dim lights. Kind of romantic. I was stuffed up from my allergies and felt like hell, but he stared at me while he held me. I thought he was going for a kiss, but instead, "I really Love you." <> I really Love you Jaeger."

The shocked Jaeger didn't know what to say. I kept silent and couldn't stop smiling. I kissed him. That's it. I kissed him and wrapped my arms around his neck. He replies with, "I use those words sparingly - but I really do mean it."

I wanted to say it back, but I didn't. Just because a guy said those words to me doesn't mean I have to say it back - that's so cliche. There's a time and a place for everything. When I decide to tell him, I'll be ready. xoxox

Beautiful

2005-04-18T01:21:00.000-04:00

The room was dim caused by the dark blue screen from the television. The movie had finished and there in silence, hand in hand, we stared at each other - no words exchanged, just an abundance of nonverbal emotions that bridged the chasm that made the rare connection. PRICELESS!!

Kryptonite

2005-04-10T17:50:00.000-04:00

Everything is going perfectly with Dre. I'm avoiding Phil... damn he's so beautiful with those big blue eyes. Oh damn! He's my kryptonite but I will NEVER mess what I have going right now.

LOVE-Phobic :: No, I don't Love You !!!!!

2005-04-08T23:17:00.000-04:00

The "L" word - yes, the word that scares me more than HELL itself and I mean that literally.

"I'm not going to lie, I am in love" was what Dre IMed me a week ago and it just about freaked me outta my seat when I read it. I ignored it because I'm love-phobic and if possible, I try not to say "LOVE" verbally, even when describing how much I like something. It makes me want to quiver, shake, and evaporate.

So he hasn't literally told me he loved me - at least not in person and I planned to keep it that way. In the back of my mind, I thought he really meant it but tonight... OH GLORIOUS NIGHT... he made it clear that he wasn't in L with me. Oh gosh, even the thought of the letter L alone scares me. *shivers up her spine*

Commitment, yes, i am well damn scared of it because I don't want to mess up when everything is good. Heck, when everything is going perfectly on the right path, that's when I back off slowly because I'm too scared to mess up. THERE I CONFESS!!!!

Anyway, tonight he told me something to the likes of, "I want to be moved when it's Love" which obviously translated into, "No, I don't love you." - and even though I couldn't bear to hear those words, I WAS RELIEVED!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Although, I really like this guy - gosh Dre if you only knew!!! - I'm more afraid that I'll tell him that I ... NO... I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT... and it's exactly what i'm scared of because i know if i'll say it, i'll mean it - and i've NEVER meant it when i said it to exes.

Confession - everytime those words exited my mouth in the past - I wanted to shoot myself, felt guilty, and hated myself afterwards - HATED !!!! Did it mean that I didn't mean it? Perhaps... or maybe I just didn't want to feel vulnerable - because truesay - IT IS FOOLISH WHEN IT'S WRONG!!!

OH IS IT EVER!!!??? And we all pretty much know if it's right or wrong. And it's freaking me out that everything is going soooo well with Dre.... with everything - every challenging trap I bounced guys to the curb - he has passed!!! And that in itself is scaring me because I'm scared to mess up a good thing.

Warp Speed

2005-03-31T14:45:00.000-05:00

Dre and I's relationship has gone warp speed. I didn't want it this way, but it seems like it's scaring me a bit. Two nights ago, he asked my parents permission to date me and I found that really romantic and respectful. He's awesome for that, however the contents of the, "Meet The Parents Part II" was more than I could ever imagine - it was overwhelming!!!

My parents talked marriage in the sense that Dre and I shouldn't be dating if it's not going to lead to something serious one day - like marriage - because if it's just teenage type romance, then it's nothing but wasting time. I almost jumped off my seat when they said that. Dre responded to the likes of, "Yes I know that, and this relationship wont be a fling. I believe that God planned for us to be together."

Then came more topics and my parents started to use the L word... I wanted to disappear but Dre was respectful and listened to what they had to say, he didn't grimace when came the word called, "LOVE" - I on the other hand, wanted to dig a hole and crawl right in it. I kept silent while the three of them discussed. When came the topic of RELIGION I wanted to evaporate.

The pressure, the pressure, THE PRESSURE my parents put on Dre... and me not knowing how he felt about it drove me insane. What drove me more insane was at the end of that night when I said goodnight, "Dre, I hope you don't feel pressured about what my parents said... and, I guess I want to know what you think."

"I like pressure, remember? And I agree with most of what they said." and with that, he held both my hands, leaned down to kiss the 5'6 short me, looked into my eyes, said goodnight and then drove home.

Um, yeah... he didn't tell me much of anything, did he? Um... yeah. But, I'm completely falling for him... COMPLETELY... and he knows that. Damn it!!! And when I'm nice to a guy, they run away because I'm not a bitch!!!

I know one thing, the L word between us will not be exchanged for a while. Everything else has gone warp speed. I want this one special - Love - it takes time to build.

What Men Hate That Women Make Them Do

2005-03-29T07:11:00.000-05:00

I made my significant other carry my purse and hold my dog... IN PUBLIC!!! He gave me this odd look, then I flashed him a smile and out of the goodness of his heart, he took them. He's definitely a keeper. His efforts did not go overlooked. :-)

Almost Perfect

2005-03-28T00:13:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve Dre - he's absolutely... almost perfect.

He came over tonight and we cooked. He taught my aunt and I a russian dish which was unbelievably GOOD!!!! It was a little embarrassing since my aunt started saying stuff like:

1) "So, how many kids do you two want?"
2) "You guys are all set, one of you knows how to cook."
3) "Your kids will be really tall!" (he's 6'7)
4) "I cant wait to see what your kids would look like."

Yeah, I was blushing and he was smiling. I wonder what was going through his mind? I just wanted to hide.

AND... At church I get comments like these from the church members:
1) "Are you two together? We really want to know."
2) "You guys make such a beautiful couple."
3) "So, how did you two meet?"

But, I really really really, LIKE HIM!!!!

So as much as I am falling for Dre, I have to go on with this relationship as if I have nothing to loose - that's what I'm sticking to - that and my trust in God. I'm not worrying about anything anymore.

:-* ainsi c'est ce qui fait la vie comme le ciel

2005-03-23T10:54:00.000-05:00

I am absolutely SMITTEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SMITTEN... LIKE A FOOOOOOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Singledom Over - The Aftermath

2005-03-22T18:02:00.000-05:00

Bumped into Mark at the mall:

Mark: WTF!!! u told me not to date other people, and now you have a boyfriend?? This is BS!!!
Me: Dude, i NEVER, under any sircumstance, restricted you from dating other people. I have no idea where you got that delusional thought.
Mark: Well this is BS!!! *walks away*

Hmm...

All right, so much for Mark!! Let's move on to Jim. He called me three times last night and told me how much he misses me - hell, why couldn't he express crap like that when I was single? I haven't heard from him for almost a month, all the sudden he misses me? People always want what they cant have.

I'm just glad that I didn't end up with any of those guys.

HEARTBROKEN!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-21T16:20:00.000-05:00

I told Jim that I had a boyfriend - and the Armenian god did not take it well. I don't think I've ever seen a guy break down the way he did today - apparently he really likes me - he even said he was practically in LOVE with me. I told him that it was impossible for him to use the "L" word because he didn't know what LOVE really meant - he looked at me on the brink of tears and walked away. I didn't stop him. I hate drama and at the same time, I felt horrible. For some odd reason, he really does care and I broke his heart. Not exactly a good feeling on my part, but it happens.

Life is a race and I was single - and there was a guy who happened to be at the right place at the right time and everything fell into place perfectly. I cant help that, I cant control that... it just happened that way.

After bumping into Jim, i quickly went home to check his status online and ALL his messages said, "HEARTBROKEN!!!!!!!!!!!"

HE MADE THE FIRST MOVE

2005-03-21T02:35:00.000-05:00

Mr. Russia: I think I'm falling for you....

WWWOOOOOOO!!!! After how many dates? A WHOPPING 21 ++ with being JUST FRIENDS!!!

I think this is what they call a mature friendship.

Wow

2005-03-20T09:11:00.000-05:00

WOW. All right, the ultimate test to freak a guy out besides bringing him home to meet the parents is to... INVITE HIM TO CHURCH!!!

And since I pulled one of these stunts, he and I went to church together and it did not freak him out. It's quite interesting - could it be that this Russian friend of mine who I'm totally smitten over could be my ideal match? He fits the crucial of the criterias.

Anyway, he has this beauty mark on his face and it absolutely accentuates how beautiful he is - drives me insane. Full lips, damn it and I still wait - he's not making the first move - that's cuz i'm intimidating. Although, I'm sick of making all the first moves, so I'm gonna sit and wait till it happens - try something new - try the traditional way. Yes, he's a friend but this could definitely lead to something... something long term.

Sophisticated Romance

2005-03-15T16:54:00.000-05:00

I was studying up at the bookstore when my cell phone rang:

"Hello?"
"Let's do lunch. 1:30. good?" //I love a man who can take charge!
"Yes"

@ the restaurant
"Wow, avocado sushi! My fav. you know me too well!"
"You're welcome." //he smiles. so charming!

What is going on? Jaeger actually taking time out of her busy schedule to go out and have lunch with a guy-friend? WHAT IS GOING ON? HA HA HA HA HA - i think this is the first time I actually didn't care about adjusting my schedule a bit... ha! and it's all because of a guy!!!! :-) This is new to me. he he he he. And no, he has never gotten in the way of my career yet - and for some reason, I doubt he will - he supports it for he too is career oriented.

Two nights ago my brother saw me smiling while studying the Russian language and he had the temerity to ask, "Are you in love?"
"Uh, why?"
"Because you've been smiling all week."
"Um. so?"
"And you're learning Russian and you're serious about it."
"Oh" *smile* "No, I'm not in love... yet. It will take a while."
"I don't think so."

ha ha h ah ah ah!!!

Let Me Finally Introduce, Mr. Russia

2005-03-13T19:17:00.000-05:00

Well he's sitting here in front of me (at the book store and he doesn't know I'm writing about him) and we've been spending a lot of time together - but we're just friends. This is quite different because it feels like we're a couple but we're not (and none of that kissing things involved). He's just a friend... but i like this.

On the side note, my mother continues to give me LOVE advice and I feel so retarded when she comes up with all the things a man and a woman should or should not do when it comes to courting, and relationships. There are rules for gender behaviors when it comes to this? LOL... it's just entertaining. If you read the journal entry titled, Mother Dearest, that's a mild LOVE advice from the Woman. lol.

* Jag is currently learning the Russian language && Mr. Russia is currently learning Jag's native language. *

It Was Lovely !!!!

2005-03-12T23:27:00.000-05:00

So my whole family welcomed him and made him feel at home. Talented guy that one, very musical, intelligent...

um... it feels weird to abstain from romance when you're just friends with the guy and he respects that friendship. It's like a tension, maybe only on my part since I'm probably more affected than he is - but I can tell you right now that this is weird. Different from most of my other "just friends" male friends. This guy is compatible with my family, our friends and etc, I don't know if I've ever felt like everything was in proper order before, which makes this whole experience feel... not normal - for lack of better term.

Anyway, dinner went well. I'm an idiot for thinking too much into this and this will probably come back to bite me in the ass later on. I've only known him for a month and a half - how is that bounds for something deeper? Maybe it is, but I don't know yet. I guess time will tell, however I shouldn't even think about it since he and I are just friends.

Mother Dearest

2005-03-11T07:50:00.000-05:00

I brought a guy to an event and he met my family - I know I know - very unlike me but since he's a friend, I didn't see any harm done and he's an awesome guy. My parents seem to like him - why shouldn't they? He's comming over for dinner this weekend and he's gonna be shocked at how much my parents fiesta. He and I have joked about the event unfolding similar to the movie, Meet the Parents. What can I say, he's just plain awesome! I'm not worried at all.

This morning I walked in my parent's room and all the sudden my mom decided to give me "LOVE" advice.

"Jaeger can I be honest with you?"
"Oh no..." I was worried, "What did I do or did not do now?"
"You know this guy, you never know if he's going to be the one."
"Oh my god, mom, he and I are just friends."
"Jaeger, you never know the future."
"Sure mom, is that all?"
"No, I'm gonna be honest, we need to work on your breath."
"Excuse me? I've had gay friends who were blunt and they never told me that I had halitosis."
"Believe me Jag, mother knows and I'm going to tell you straight up!"
"Unbelievable."
"So, when you meet him, you should do this..."

Can you believe it!! I have good hygene, I brush and floss and mouthwash constantly. Dude, I even bring a toothbrush to work!! My mother is one of the most critical woman and obscenely particular about breath.

It's more funny than anything. lol. he he he he he.

Fv@734 BASTARDS !!!!!

2005-03-06T02:17:00.000-05:00

I cant stand people who remind me of the ex - i get action packed with issues.

I hate drama!!!

This Is Some Freaky Shit

2005-03-05T02:51:00.000-05:00

I met a guy, Italian - he has all the right features but definitely sends chills up my spine since he sounded like S.A. (dude who's gf claimed me to be, "The Other Woman").

Abbott and I don't even talk anymore. I told him to ask his girlfriend when it's okay for him to call me - apparently - it never will be okay as long as they're together - and I respect that - but I do miss him... A LOT!! Damn it!!!

Hanging out with Mr. Perfection freaks me out even though we're just friends - I cant stop thinking about Shaun - and this new italian sounds so much like him that it freaks me out. Maybe it's an italian thing. And this guy (M) hasn't given up on me yet even though I constantly push the relationship talks to the side, or the possibility of one. He's sweet, romantic, and dresses well - but all the girls seem to want him - too good looking for me - i cant handle that much attention from gawking women towards a man by my side - it's sick!!!! So that's that.

Jim turned out to be just a friend. We've lost contact and haven't spoken in weeks. I'm not worrying. As for Phil - I'm gonna leave that one behind. I need to move on from him. They're pretty much on the same level now - always be friends but will never be anything more - I've decided to keep it that way.

So is there another guy? I'm not going to jinx this one - therefore i will not talk about him. :-)

It's So Easy

2005-03-01T00:56:00.000-05:00

It's so easy to get to know someone then find out if you're interested in them or not - It is easy to see when you're friends with them first.

Being a graduate of the field of Journalism (with obvious grammar issues), I was trained to conduct interviews and I'm a pro at it. Perhaps it's also another reason to divert attention away from myself - but since I have to be interested in my subject to gain a story, they - without fail - will talk about their lives and their views of the world. People LOVE to talk about themselves - we are innately story tellers.

Since I'm usually for equality to a certain degree, I also expect the other to get to know me. Isn't it common courtesy to want to know someone you're interested in in return? However, since I usually am the only one conducting these interviews, I give off the impression that I am interested in these people in a semi-romantic way - which I will admit is true at times - and in a matter of weeks, they claim that they love me, or am falling for me.

They fail to realize that when they say they are in love, is that they're really in love with their own selves. Who did they grow to love? NOT ME... but themselves! I have this vibe that makes other people feel like they're worth it (obviously when they meet me face to face) - and they cant get enough of it so they crave for, The Jaeger - but I walk away. As much as I try to explain my side of the story, they still don't understand.

After years and years of waiting for my ex to understand, I finally gave up and until this day (almost 2 years later), I can not find deeper interest or appreciation in a man who can only connect with himself. It's tragic is what it is.

Although the realizations - my non-negotiables are in constant flux. My standards remain high. I will not be one of those girls who will change my persona to fit someone elses lifestyle.

Rude

2005-02-27T22:46:00.000-05:00

So I've talked about Joe a few times and after tonight - I am glad that I didn't stay in SB - I would have been with an action packed with issues guy.

He IMs me tonight, probably drunk, and was really rude. I'm so glad I didn't end up with him although he was so sweet in the beginning. It fades, it really does.

This further proves that long term friendships show true coloures before investing in a relationship. I wouldn't have it any other way.

YESSSSSSS

2005-02-25T23:17:00.000-05:00

I HAVE REACHED THE ZONE !!!

I have finally got my shit together that the most gorgeous, exotic guys, do not intimidate me anymore. So if I'm out on a date with an oh so sexy, work of art and perfect muscular structure, with flawless skin, perfect teeth, and chilseled features - I can walk out of that date without a mask. Meaning, that I am comfortable with myself that I don't care if they approved or disapproved of me. Nothing lost, nothing gained - except a friendship. NO PRESSURE!!! I LOVE IT!!!!

Oh it's so nice. It feels soooo good. I like this whole idea of being single and just being friends with the men. No pressure, just genuine friendship where intimacy does not serve as barriers into getting to know each other... then I can choose the best out of the pack and it wont classify me as being a cheater, or a gamer - because there's no harm done with just friendships.

BRING IT!!!

"This Is It"

2005-02-24T00:18:00.000-05:00

When people get into relationships, they immediately think, "This is it. I have a feeling, that they're the one and only."

Wake up and smell the espresso!!! Better yet, go ahead and drink three shots of it (the thick kind from Iraq), followed by some good vodka! Mmmm... vodka. Just kidding.

Strange, Uncanny, Feeling

2005-02-22T16:35:00.000-05:00

I recently woke up from a nap and had the immediate feeling that I had a boyfriend, and then suddenly I was overcome with immense desperation to be set free - like I was suffocating from being strangled alive. I wanted liberty from something as non-existent as my romantic love life - yet would do anything to have that feeling I had when Joe & I were walking hand in hand all over South Bend, Indiana.

As strange as it may sound, this uncanny day has had a deja vu effect on me - like i've already experienced it. Perhaps it is a a day such as today that reminds me of how it was like to be in a new relationship - like walking on cloud nine. Or maybe it's the twisted, disturbing feeling that I already know I could have what I want - yet afraid to get what I want in fear of a broken heart - thus allowing me to drop whatever it is to pursue some new challenge - playing the game. It's sick is what it is.

What's more sick is that Jim has turned into somewhat of a best friend. I think I like having friends better than boy-friends... they treat me better... they're sweeter too. I like it.

"I Want To Experience The Single Life"

2005-02-19T22:02:00.000-05:00

Karl broke up with his girl because he said, "I want to experience the single life."

Could it be that I should be thankful for my singledom life? Perhaps I should but perhaps situations like Karl's would be prevented if relationships were meant to be? But since it's not, it does bring more spice to life.

I Just Cant Get You Outta My Head

2005-02-18T14:59:00.000-05:00

So finally the one week seminar is over and I'm going through withdrawals. I'm definitely attracted to Damon but I doubt there will be any kind of reciprocation on his part. He's one of those guys who wont have any problems finding women: striking features, brown hair, blue eyes, nice built body, and ambitious - a definite catch and I wish he calls me. I never got a chance to find out if he's single or with somebody.

*sigh*

I'm glad the seminar is over, but I'm sad at the same time. I don't think i'll ever see him again. Damn, I hate stressing over things I can not control. DAMN IT!!!!!

The World Makes Sense Again

2005-02-16T01:04:00.000-05:00

I just spent all my energy to shrug off a decent guy. I don't know why I'm such a bitch. I complain that I'm single and that there are no guys out there - but I have this flaw - If I want someone, I've pretty much made up my mind that he's the ONLY one i want and no one else. Unfortunately, it goes with all the generalizations of the human species, nice men are attracted to bitches, and bitches transition to become nice girls who are attracted to jerks.

Ah yes, the world makes sense again!!

I took some nyquil an hour ago and I'm wide awake - hiper. I also drank 4 cups of coffee so my system is beating each other up. I wonder who'll win, caffeine or nyquil?

So Sweet, So In Love

2005-02-15T01:08:00.000-05:00

Dad bought mom a dozen roses and a balloon the night before v-day. he also got me a balloon and a dozen of peach roses. Vday morn, he surprised mother with a huge valentines day card, then proceeded to give her three real roses that were plated with gold. They're beautiful and so fragile. He gave it so passionately. At around 8:30 AM, the doorbell rang and four men wearing tuxedo's came in and sang my mother a valentines day love song from dad - they gave her more roses. Of course she cried - she was so happy. They're so in love.

Then there's my life... It's so ironic that I was brought up in a house full of romance - however romance never greeted my life as sweet as the ones i've seen LIVE with my very own eyes.

But this V-day, I'm happy and content to see the joy in my mom's face - it's priceless. It's nice to know that my parents still love each other after so many years. I am truely blessed.

Abercrombie Model

2005-02-08T22:21:00.000-05:00

So I met this Abercrombie model a while back and he's been interested in me - I keep neutral since I don't feel that romantic connection (see december 2004 journal) however I entertain the friendship for amusement.

This is a dude who has lived in Hawaii and attained the asian-persuasian complex, and cant get enough of it!! (I don't get it). So now since he's living in the great MID_WEST (REPRESENT!), he thinks I'm the hottest piece of potato! Honestly, there's just no competition around here, i'm one of the only asians per capita. HA!

So this dude and i have been hangin out... and he likes me... more like infatuated, it's sick!! And so he remembers EVERY detail about me, from my birthday, to my middle name, to pretty much every little thing that I wish my 4 year relationship would have considered.

He gave me a pop quiz to see how much I know about him from the month and a half we've known each other - I got a zero and he scored a 100 on my quiz. What does that say about me? I don't listen!

Of course I don't listen! DAMN!! Most of the crap we talk about is about him and how wonderful he is. It's like he's trying to sell himself for me to make the relationship investment because he's such a good catch! I can never get a word in - if anything - he asks a question and I answer, and he'll go on talking about himself more. I just sit around, pretend to listen and leave it at that... I'm not even interested in him, so why waste brain space? Oh then he complains about how he hates small dogs, like the one I own - then he sits and bashes her? Oh gosh... GONE, YOU'RE GONE!!! Insult my dog and i'll cut you outta my life!

I cut guys off when they only talk about themselves or if they bash my dog. SEE YA!!!

Something new - I never knew how to handle disloyalty - now i do. I just looked back and reviewed how I reacted when I found out about Jimmy and Jen - I was beyond a frantic maniac with green jealousy all over - and my mouth opened. Not good. Bad bad bad! Couldn't believe i reacted that way... then I realized - heh, so if he did that, if any guy cheats on me - hell am I going to get pissed for? Leave his ass and move on! His loss, his skanky gain.

So damn simple.

Love Love Love Love Love

2005-02-07T15:16:00.000-05:00

What is up with V-day cards that all of them have the word, "LOVE" in them?

I don't want LOVE in valentines cards!!!!!!!!!!! I want something that says plainly - you are awesome! Happy valentines day!!!! A career opportunity in being a professional card maker? F*CK YEAH!!!!!

But, when I say I'm in love with my best friend, I use the term loosely, like he's my friend and I love him to death hoping the relationship to progress into eros love. What are the chances of that happening? I can only pray to the big JC!

So I was at the card shop and purchased 8 cards for female and male friends, and one of them is gayer than two men frolicking hand in hand during the spring time at the meadows by the sea while butterfy's flutter the air with the sweet-sweet aroma of banana-hazelnut-bread as it permeats the air from a nearby open window.

So 8 cards and the clerk looked at each one of them, one by one, commenting on them - and I smile of course... then,

"Lots of Valentines my dear?"

OOOooo, an opportunity for wit and entertainment!!! HOW CANT I RESIST!?!?!?! Humor me!!!!

"Oh yess... Yesss... Of course... it IS that month, isn't it?" I smile and flirt with her even though she's a girl.
"Oh yes. These men worth it?"
I look at her name-tag, "Pam... (pause & hold her gaze) ... if you ONLY knew how worthy..."
She smiles, "All of them, ha?"
"Yess... It's only appropriate." I smile at her again with my savvy flirtateous ways.
"And here's your receit" she said smiling and shaking her head as I nod and leave the store.

Give me something to play and toy with, I will - and I love getting people's reactions. I still hate that there's no NEUTRAL valentines cards in the stores. BOOO... GRRR.

XXXIX

2005-02-06T22:54:00.000-05:00

yesssssss... The Dynasty XXXIX... Mmmm... yesssss... it's like making love - only more fulfilling. This is Love... Yessssssss. My boys never failed me - sweet, sweet New England Patriots. :-) I'd like to thank Belichick, Kraft, Dion, and my fantasy husband - Tom Brady.

Lent is comming up - i've decided to give 40 days and 40 nights a try - i'm going to stop being boy crazy and act like I'm satisfied with one guy who's not even my boyfriend. No, not Tom Brady (maybe only in my dreams) but the obvious Best Friend.

The Month Of Love

2005-02-03T03:03:00.000-05:00

If i could express myself right now - i would sound like a smitten fool.

WTF ?

2005-02-03T01:00:00.000-05:00

I got a random IM from Shaun. Recap, the guy who's girlfriend called and interrogated me about her bf and I's supposed love affair.

Let's start this whole damn issue December 2004, when I got a voice mail from him during new years:

"Jag, I haven't heard from you in a while. I have a feeling you've been avoiding my calls, I hope not. Have a happy new years and hopefully we'll talk soon."

So here's a guy who called me before new years and told me that his gf feels uneasy and doesn't like it if he and i are close friends... and I respect her. He also explained how he cant call me anymore... ok sure... BS - done and done!

So i was pissed when he called and left that message. when i get pissed, oh gosh... i get BLUNT!

So I rang up his VM and left a message:

"Yes, I am avoiding you on purpose. You should focuse all your attention to your gf and fulfill her wants - she is after all your gf. Focus on her and call me when you two break up. I respect her and i'll leave it at that. Hope u have a happy new year. CIAO."

Yeah, i'm a bitch... i was more of a bitch when he imed me the other day:

"So when can I talk to you?"
"When your girlfriend says it's okay. You should ask her."
"You're messed up."
"I don't need this bashing from you."
"Fine, bye."
"Whatever."

Shit like that piss me off. WTF?

Nonchalance

2005-02-02T07:02:00.000-05:00

I wish I had Teo's nonchalance. For some reason he's always cool and composed with life - an asset I deeply wish I acquired innately.

Damn It !!!

2005-01-31T23:26:00.000-05:00

I'm in love with my best friend... yup... PHIL!!!

He's atheist, I'm Christian - *sigh* - but I'll forever be in love with him.

There's a picture of the two of us - I cant stop staring.

Damn it !!!!

It's a barrier actually - I date other guys - but not satisfied. No one surpassed or leveled up to Phil yet. I think that's the problem.

But we're just friends. JUST FRIENDS!

Damn it !!!!

Gone Gone Gone

2005-01-30T23:06:00.000-05:00

Found my old journals of 2001-2004 - all memories of happiness, heartache, pity, and stupidity. It got me thinking of how much crap i took from people. I was too easy to forgive - giving them a chance to redeem themselves - it was pure stupidity on my part.

Everything is GONE... don't want any memory of it all and frankly, it would have made me feel better to have burned them - but it's all in the dumpster in michigan under a pile of crap. Gone, Gone, Gone! I coudln't be happier. :-)

"I'm Not Ready To Move On Yet "

2005-01-25T23:50:00.000-05:00

I absentmindedly picked up my phone without looking at the caller ID and low and behold it was Jim. He asked me how I was doing. I told him that I was busy with work, classes, studying and etc. He also asked me if I was seeing anybody. I told him that I wasn't ( :-/ ). I asked him the same question and he said, "I'm not ready to move on yet."

"I BEG YOUR PARDON?"
"I'm not ready to move on from you."

In my mind I said, "BULL SHIT YOU'RE NOT".

I handled the conversation well after that and put a stop to the possibilities of "US". OVER IT!!! When I say something is done - bet on it - IT'S DONE!!!

Weird event. I walked into a class full of well dressed bankers (GRAD SCHOOL), and as soon as I got in, I noticed this guy stealing glances my direction. I smiled and sat my bootie next to his, extended my LEFT hand and introduced myself (finally, a bloke who had no wedding band!). His name was Steve - he was nice, I was friendly, very professional (unlike my journals), and polite. During the whole class, he kept glancing at me, smiling at me, being playful, kept flashing me those pearly whites. On several occassions, he leaned over and touched his knee to mine, then whispered something in my ears. It was wierd, I could tell in his eyes he was nervous and intimidated by me - the eyes and the smile made it so obvious - this guy was interested. Then I befriended his other friend who suddenly started talking about Steve's fiancee - hell i backed off. WTF!!!!

Here's a thing I learned about Grad school... they're either married or engaged - it's always that way. It's the formula for everything around here. A ring = married. No ring = engaged and will have a ring soon. No ring = I have a girlfriend.

But everything becomes simple after that. It's so damn simple without the possibilities of romance, and love, and all that crap that destroys your strengths and weakens your emotions. You become invincible when enlightment hits you - it's amazing, it's so simple!

Anyway, one of my mother's best friends want to pair me up with a new doctor in town - I dunno. I find that after a long day, all i want to do is to crash on my bed and fall asleep.

Commitment Phobe?

2005-01-23T23:19:00.000-05:00

When we're single, we desperately want to be in a relationship. When we're in a relationship, we desperately want out. Funny how things happen the way they do. It's obviously human nature. I am a commitment phobe because I have a short attention span. I cant stay interested in a guy for more than three months. If anything, I forced myself to continue toxic relationships that lasted for more than four years for the sake of its long term status - worth it? Hell no. Stupid? Nah... more like CRAZY!!!

However we learn and I'm incapable of retaining relationships past three months - hell, my dates never make it to the second date, then come the rare third and I see through them and leave. Probably would have happened to Joe if I decided to stay in South Bend.

Sure I'd date someone, but the inevitable three months would terminate the relationship. One single drama turns me off allowing me to run the opposite direction, or vice versa. To me it's just blah - blah blah blah on relationships.

These men do one of the following unexcusable conditions that piss me off:
1) swear
2) get drunk as F'
3) have too many female friends
4) jerky conceitedness
5) smoke/drugs
6) insulting sarcasm
7) talk about their ex too much
8) selfishness
9) inability to converse
10) throw hissy fits / acts childish
11) cheaters

That's Stage I of my check list. If they don't aquire any of those conditions, they pass and I move to step II pre-requisites:
1) education
2) ambitiousness
3) balance in life events
4) healthy living: work out/nutrition
5) sportsmanship
6) long term goals
7) fashion
8) religious background
9) loyalty
10) reliability/assertiveness/common sense

Impossible? LOL... yeah, my standards are really high and impossible. I think therefore I'm single. *smiles* or maybe i'm far too selfish.

8 Reasons For Staying Single

2005-01-21T23:44:00.000-05:00

1- You can focus on your career
2- You can do what you want, when you want
3- You can enjoy a sexual smorgasbord
4- You can build wealth
5- You can enjoy serenity
6- You can keep your prized possessions
7- You don't have to compromise
8- You can take the time to find the right person

AMEN, and AMEN !!!!

Yet Another Postmortem

2005-01-20T17:58:00.000-05:00

Yet another postmortem. I was cleaning out my buddy list and there he was - a dude that could have been my boyfriend if I wasn't so stuck up.

The contents of his profile?
The inevitable link of his photo album. *CRINGE*

And what did that photo album contain?
His gorgeous pictures, his friends pictures, and a separate album full of pictures of he and his girlfriend Lindsey who look like fricken models ripped out of A&F, Hollister, or AE catalog. *HURT ME!* And they added their cute lil' dog to complete the picture perfect, pre-cohabitational, relationship.

Jealous?
Jealous of their relationship - definitely. He's another computer geek who programmed a sweet photo album online. He also has a fun personality and he loves to take pictures. All their pictures were taken from his digital camera on self timer. Even I don't have pictures of a past beau and myself in a romantic, fun, sweet, playful, setting. So for that aspect, I am jealous.

All right, as for the pathetic love life bestowed upon me by God - i don't know what to think of it. It's more of a joke - an entertainment for the heavens.

Jim is showing signs that he's probably seeing someone. Fuck it. I'm done, I've moved on. Moved on in such a way that when he calls to tell me how much he misses me, I don't get all fucked up and embrace him with open arms. No. Fuck it.

Moved on to someone named Bruce - another busy body interning at a law firm not too far from here. A bloke younger than I in his first year of law school who, I might add, is extremely intelligent and we share a common humor. He's not as fit as the men I dated in the past, he's a bit in the Ashton Kutchner body type, which is decent in societal standards. So we'll see where that goes.

But all in all - I don't see myself getting involved in any serious relationship anytime soon.

We Are Through

2005-01-13T03:05:00.000-05:00

I actually went out of my way to try to work things out with Jim - this move was completely out of my comfort zone but I liked him enough to try to come up with a solution.

His silence was unbearable - no response at all. I turned around and walked away with unbelievable restraint for tears to roll down my cheeks. I was crushed but felt so invulnerable to walk away with a sense of serenity and realizations.

I've done my share and I have no regrets - but it's clearly obvious - he and I are through and I should move on.

Since You've Been Gone

2005-01-12T07:16:00.000-05:00

[ Mood Pathetically down ]
[ Music Kelly Clarkson - Since You've Been Gone ]

It's pathetic. This is the first time in a long while that I got fucked up over a guy. I've been up for two hours and he was the only thing in my mind. I even have Kelly Clarkson's song on repeat. Talk about living Usher's - U Got It Bad, song. This is really sad and pathetic and I have to go to work in 2 minutes so I need to get my shit together.

Are You Worth The Fight?

2005-01-12T01:29:00.000-05:00

His name is Jim, another exotic looking basketball player. Jim & Jaeger - another "almost" relationship gone sour.

A phrase I hate receiving is - "I just don't see it happening between us with your busy schedule."

Confession: I have been rejected at least 5 times within the previous year, and now my sixth rejection (first in 2005) with the same reasons that claim I don't have time and that I don't want to put effort into romantic interests - It hurts - it really does (I never write about rejections - mainly because I don't want to remember them - but the secret is out). Somehow my heart aches and I cant pin point why. I do want to put the effort, but it's not my priority.

Time I wish I had - commitment I seek - but they don't want it from someone who's busy.

If I'm interested enough for someone - I'd fight for them - but no one has reciprocated the same affection for me because the road less traveled by is too difficult to get to.

Oh such is life - it sucks at times, but hey - I deal.

*sigh*

Male Models

2005-01-11T01:16:00.000-05:00

Eye Candy - that's all they are. I'm sure that there are many who also have brains, but my goodness!

Spoke to a male model who couldn't read between the lines - he couldn't understand simple analogies whatsover, didn't understand my wit, humor, and my computer geekiness - above all - the man only wanted to further inflate his ego. The conversation was all about how beautiful he was and his modeling career. it was such a turn off that i completely abandoned him. Waste!

Jaeger In A Relationship?

2005-01-05T23:03:00.000-05:00

I could certainly be. Joe and I are pretty compatible but a five hour disstance separates us - I moved and didn't have the heart to tell him. I will eventually. I don't know how to say goodbye - I don't know if I want to.

It never fails. Perhaps at the final weeks of my stay before I move, I give it a, "You got nothing to loose" attitude which in turn gives me the confidence to date. However, now that I'm living the "after college life" with grad school and future career to put into priority - I hardly have time - and since my dog requires so much attention and obviously wont break my heart - I find priceless joy just taking care of her.

Perfect relationship? I have someone in mind - just friendship between he and I at the moment - but from previous journal entries, it's obvious.

Play On Playa

2005-01-02T01:07:00.000-05:00

Welcome 2005. Play it like it should be played. Need I say more? I think not. I'm having a blast.

PLAY IT LIKE IT SHOULD BE!!

Relationships Are The Devil

2004-12-22T10:46:00.000-05:00

What's sucks about romantic relationshiTs is that when you break up, you gain an ex boyfriend who will never get deleted from your memory. They're like ghosts who haunt your future and leave you pissed off because you're not mature enough to handle their bull shit.

What's more pathetic is that I dated someone who's close friends with the family and I cant expunge him out of my life because he's always F'n there - he doesn't dissappear physically - and it's driving me up the wall.

I HATE ex-boyfriends, with the exception of one - Phil.

Books

2004-12-21T09:47:00.000-05:00

It's funny, I have a ton of books on my bookshelf and most of them are decrepit and in need of new bindings. It seems as though I have become a semi-professional with the books I read. I read them from cover to cover, thoroughly soaking up all the information. They sit in my bookshelf to be read over and over again. Obviously, they never walk away.

I have a book, it's my biography - it just sits there unread.

WTF ARE MEN'S PROBLEM?

2004-12-19T21:41:00.000-05:00

I am so fuckin' sick of men and their ex-girlfriends. Why the hell am I a magnet for unavailable men? I dropped so many guys because....

THEY'RE STILL NOT OVER THEIR EXES!!! And to hell if i'm going to go out with ANOTHER guy who's going to cheat on me with his ex-girlfriend(s). I DON'T DESERVE THAT SHIT!!! I'M SO DAMN SICK AND TIRED OF IT!!!!! I'm breaking down here... this is where it hits me hard. I cant deal with this shit. Damn, i'm actually being a girl. Damn these tears!!! DAMN THEM!!!

Drop The Zero and Get With The...

2004-12-16T08:11:00.000-05:00

First of all... I dropped one of my lads. Reason? It's complicated - couldn't stand the indicisiveness for one - although he was sweet and affectionate - but he had some major issues he needed to take care of. It's kind of funny how I know things wont work out at an early start. It's also funny how I know it's not going to work with the other blokes in my black book of manlings. I do know that I will end with all of them soon. I just don't want to put effort into the null of it all. It's a lot of wasted time. I could be relaxing, or shopping, or spending time with my straight and gay friends.

Although, I'm not giving up on dating - I'll just eliminate men after the first or second date - because that's all you need anyway. It's like a job interview, after the second interview, you know if you want to make the hire. I wont let it go to date #3, date #4 or date #5 again though - unless they're good enough. I'm sick of failures.

So... drop the zero's and get on with my own bad self. :-D

Public Display Of Affection

2004-12-13T20:42:00.000-05:00

Imagine yourself studying in a public place - (bookstore) - and you spot your boy walking towards your direction - you two smile and stare at each other as the distance between you decrease in length - no words exchanged - then he bends down for a soft kiss on the forehead.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT !!!! LOVE IT !!!

I AM A BORN SAP !

The Dating Game

2004-12-12T10:13:00.000-05:00

Ben: u going for serious with this guy?
Jag: i dunno. he's not the only one i'm seeing
Ben: nice
Jag: it's like a damn reality show

I'm not used to dating like a man. It goes against everything I stand for - hmmm. Interesting.

Sultry Jaeger Needs To Tone It Down

2004-12-09T09:12:00.000-05:00

sul·try ( P ) Pronunciation Key (sultry)adj. sul·tri·er, sul·tri·est

Very humid and hot: sultry July weather.
Extremely hot; torrid: the sultry sands of the desert.
Expressing or arousing desire: a sultry look; a sultry dance.

<>

I was down at the studio late last night just chillin' with some friends when we got into talking about my crazy voice mails. Out of no where Dave says, "Oh my gosh, your voice. It's so... mmmmm... sultry."

My reaction? I laughed loud as everyone teased him. He was about to say something else but he dismissed it saying, "Hmmm... nevermind, I had half a though." Then Raven says, "Jaeger, Dave has half thoughts about you.... Ooooooo. Now we know who he thinks naughty thoughts of." Then everyone burst out laughing. WTF, right? lol. I hate being the center of attention.

On the other side of things, the sweet, cute James in one of my classes has the cutest crush on me. He's so damn adorable. For some reason, he wont leave me alone - but I don't mind cuz... I FLIRT BACK.

He wrote me a poem during the class lecture:

I know this girl from Iowa
Her name is Jaeger
I never met anybody
From Iowa before

She rocks Fendi, Versace
Dolce & Gabbana
She asked me about ebay
I told her to ask her mama

In class she doesn't listen
She's always online shopping
She doesn't do any work
I think she should be dropping

How cute ha? lol. He wrote me another wack poem but I cant find it. lol. Last Wednesday he greeted me with, "How about we get married?" I laughed it off of course. Throughout the class he asked me to marry him at least four times.

"You're going to be a doctor, right?"
"Well that's the plan."
"How about adding me to your plan and let's get married."
"You're such a gold digger."
"No, I dig for green paper with dead presidents on them - but i like you more. So let's get married."
"You're such a jester" *flirt flirt*
"I'll make a deal with you, I'll work and pay your schooling through medical school, and once you're finished, I can retire and you can take care of me. Isn't that a good deal?"
"Oh man, you're not a gold digger, you're a gold miner."
He winks at me then says, "Let's get married."

He's so damn cute. I just want to hug him.

Switch scenarios = Barnes & Noble

I spotted this well dressed, attractive businessman and kept walking past him. Of course the boy noticed me and looked - Anyway, as bold as I was, I marched up to him with my laptop as he was packing his stuff to leave.

"Hello, are you about to leave? I've been looking for a table near an electric socket. Need to plug in my laptop."
"Oh um, hi there." he said like he was surprised.
"Hi," I replied then flashed with him one of my "yes, this is my flirt smile, smile" and then looked him straight in the eye and there was a little pause.
"Oh um... well then, I'm going to have to bill you if you take my table." he smiled back. Man, he was a flirt!
"Well then, wouldn't that be convenient for you. My payment can cater to your wireless connection at this place."
"Well what do you know, ha?" he smiled to me again, "Can you believe they actually charge you for internet connection here?"
"Oh I know... it's quite sad."
"Yeah, and it's so expensive. But here you go young lady. Table's on the house."
"Awe, thank you."

As he was packing his stuff, of course I was checking him out - he knew it too - dang it. lol. But he wouldn't leave for some reason and he paused then picked his stuff up again, so I had to rush it since I wanted to study, "Thanks for the table, I'll see you around."
"Hmm... okay, I'll see you around."

So he left and my eyes were on him the whole time. It was funny when he turned around and looked back at me - boy gor nervous and looked away, but he did it again, but this time flashing me that cute smile of his - in return, I smiled and nodded my head then he was gone.

Anyway, this further proves how much of a player I am. Damn. lol. I guess I got game that I never play.

CULTURE !!!

2004-12-04T17:58:00.000-05:00

I moved on baby. I moved on from the ordinary, good looking, blokes - now I crave the EXOTIC INTERNATIONAL MEN of CHARM: Spanish, Brazilians, Portuguese, Serbians, Italians, Germans, Bosnians, Russians, Romanians, etc - THE ACCENT, THE ACCENT, THE SUAVE ACCENTS and the change of pace as goes for lifestyles. MMmm.

So at a party a while back there was this Spanish bloke who had gorgeous hair. This morning my girl IMed me and said, "So, what do you think of Jorge? He thinks you're cute. Man Jag, what do you do to these guys?"

What am I going to do? Absolutely nothing - I'm leaving soon. Got into grad school back home -(MBA SON!!!) - although I must say that I am infatuated with men who have delicious accents. MMmmmm... I'm sick of the ordinary blokes who's idea of fun involves bar hopping, getting drunk, and going to clubs. Give me adventure, give me another culture to expand my horizons, give me clean fun, give me ROMANCE!!!

But... if things go smoothly, I just might bring home a Serbian man to meet the parents. It's in the working. Key word... *MIGHT*

Women's Equivalent To Video Games

2004-12-03T01:43:00.000-05:00

I still yet to find what object or thing that would compare to Video Games in a woman's world - something interactive, something fun, sometime time consuming - something to touch, to feel victory over - an obsession... I cant think of any - but maybe because there is none.

Wrong Personality Types

2004-11-27T23:43:00.000-05:00

One of the many reasons I don't get along with romantic suitors is because of their continuous, sarcastic, jester type personalities, displaying lack of education while showing off a potential ADD disorder. Why make yourself look dumber?

Second reason deals with the exact opposite personality - those bastards who think that they're the shit for being so intelligent with their correct grammar, perfect spelling, breadth of knowledge, that they think that they're better than everyone. They're the ones who feel the need to win every conversation to the point of humiliating the other party. Throw your ego out the door son! It's quite disturbing - gain some humility while you're at it.

Perhaps the problem isn't with the men - perhaps I'm the one with issues. Perhaps I'm sounding like a bitter, cynical bitch. Hell, I already know this - but I also know when I deserve respect.

Why is it that people pull stupid stunts and when the stupidity is reciprocated - they get upset? Why is it okay for them to do it, but not okay if it's done to them? I hate that shit. It shows disrespect and also immaturity on my part for reciprocating stupidity. We might as well wear matching t-shirts that have, "I'm with stupid" printed in bold letters. Ay!!

Lol... it's quite comical - but definitely not a solid investment for a relationship. lol.

So what constitutes the, "Right Personality Type" ??? Hmmm... his name was Jeff - the guy from 2 years ago that I dissed because I was immature and shallow. Yup - Karma sure dropped me down 20 levels.

UGH !!! MEN !!!

2004-11-23T23:41:00.000-05:00

I cant stand them - they toy with my emotions - yes, even those guy friends. I don't know why they're giving me the silent treatment - WTF did I do ? This is bull shit. I'm done.

How Humiliating

2004-11-20T19:59:00.000-05:00

So I went to this party and stayed for an hour since I had to get back to the books. So while we were all eating she came up to me and started a conversation:

"Hey I know you. I just don't remember how."
"Um okay."
"Oh, you dated one of my friends."
"What's his name?"
"Wow, I don't even remember."
"Was it Aaron?"
"No it wasn't."
"It wasn't me then."
"You're probably right."

So later on, everyone was in the living room chillin' and eating while I was the only one up getting more salad. All the sudden she yells out: "Omg I know how I know you now!" She drew everyone's attention. It freaked the hell out of me and then everyone was just staring at me. I hated it. I couldn't stand the judgmental eyes on me.

"okay, so how do you know me?"
"You were walking somewhere one day."
"okay... "
"And I was with some of my friends and they were wondering if you were Korean or something else."
"oh. I'm not korean."
"Yeah, they wanted to know because they thought you were so beautiful."

Shit man - it was too embarrassing - just because I looked better then than I do now. So f'n humiliating - specially that everyone in that room knew what I looked like before - and how I look so dang shitty now.

Red Flags All Over

2004-11-18T01:48:00.000-05:00

RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE!!!

Here are definite "Throw in those red flags" moments:

1) you ask me a question, i start to reply, then you interrupt me with another thought unrelated to the topic. 2 times is the minimum - the third is unforgiving.
2) if you call me and then not listen to what i have to say - hell no!
3) if the conversations constantly focus on you and you alone - fuck it!
4) there are more... but will list the top three for now.

All right. I've been talking to this doctor who seems to be wonderful - but he reminds me of the dreaded X-boyfriend #2 named Aaron. Not in looks but in speech (not timbre of voice) - and it annoys me! It was like talking to Aaron once more and feeling nauseated because of the resemblance in character. He's not as sarcastic, not as selfish, not as jerky - but I didn't like it one bit. Big red flag right there!!!

I thought that there was something with this guy - since he has values that far exceeds any guy I've ever considered - but I just couldn't stand how he interrupted me and switched the subject - like my stories didn't matter. I fucken hate that crap!!! That's a big turn off! I hate it!!!!!!! The ex made me feel like dust - and i don't want to go through another similar crappy relationship. I'm better than that. I deserve some respect.

There are three kinds of guys: 1) the guys who don't cheat and claim that "nice guys finish last", but they're the ones who need a lesson in interpersonal communication because they don't have the skill or the compassionate nature, 2) The guys who are players, which are the ones who have great communication skills, know what to say at the right place, at the right time - but hurt your heart in the end. 3) The gay guys who we know can never be ungayed.

So which is best? NEITHER!!!

I'm seriously sick of meeting all the wrong blokes. So sick of making time for Mr. Wrong. I want to say that "I'M DONE WITH THIS ISHT!" but it's impossible to do so. I'm just sick of the dozens of Mr. Wrongs.

What Is It About So Called LOVE That We Just Don't Get?

2004-11-12T22:48:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's just me, or maybe I think to much. Could it be that naturally we get sick of what we have, or is it that what we have is not good enough so we never settle on having a constant whatever in our lives? Shoes, fashion, hair color, careers, people, and romantic relationships? What exactly is monogomy? How boring could it be? And why is it that we're always haunted by the ghost of relationships past?

I secretly live life on my blog so reality will never figure me out - or is this blog too establishment and too public for anyone to gain access to? Nevertheless, the feeling of being in love only comes to those who are open minded. Perhaps I'm too closed minded to allow the game to be played - but i play the game for equalities sake.

Maybe I'm too old fashioned and still believe in courtship, and - monogomy - which is why when I play the game - I seek for the one who will want only me, pursue only me leaving no room for anybody else. Perhaps that's what I'm waiting for - a man who doesn't play the game. A man who says he's interested in ONLY me... but is there such a man I could reciprocate my romantic intensions with? Nope - not yet.

But what do I know? The game is there to pick and choose. It's like a buffet where every kind of food is laid out in front of you and you taste everything, but you have a specific favorite one - however it doesn't limit you to only that so you go on and taste what the others have to offer - until you find a new favorite.

All right, bad analogy - however - it's just like that. The game allows people to taste everything - there is no such thing as courtship. These days it's about the game - date as much people, live the single driven life with no strings - and could it be that one could truely find LOVE by playing the game? Does the game allow a person to choose just one? Does the game show a person that there's only one person significant enough for a relationship?

If this is so, I will be single forever and this worries me - the thought of loneliness, and regret. Although I accept that there will always be the game - I don't want to settle for the game. I want something exclusive - like my career choice. And perhaps it's not the right time to mingle relationships with academics - it sure would be nice to have that special someone to wish goodnight to end a rough day. It sure would be nice to have someone to share acheivements, success, sadness, etc. It would be nice to have a companion. There, I admitted everything.

Although single, I must admit that my love life is bogus. Since when did my romantic interests turn into such good friends? And how can it strictly be platonic when there's a bond or shall we say, a weird polarity tugging at each end - an attraction? Repressed attraction - but strictly friendship? And how is it that I maintain a balance and keep it as strictly friendship even though I myself am attracted?

Perhaps I'm really not ready. Perhaps I know myself enough that I am a flirt who will feel bad getting into a commited relationship.

BAH!!!

Playing The Game Well, Yet HATING The Game

2004-11-10T20:27:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I do wonder if I'll ever get married. At this point in life I know that I'm not ready, it's obvious from my previous immature journal entries that focus so much on looks. It's so obvious that I still play the game - but I hate the game. I really HATE the game.

I have this complex that I will illustrate with current Fall guy 2004 - he's a doctor - anesthesiologist. I wont go into details, but he saw me and we started talking about career and medicine. He seems sweet, romantic, caring, gorgeous blue eyes - here's the complex - every time I meet a great guy, all the sudden I inch away, all the sudden I become distant and just mysteriously disappear. It never fails - NEVER.

PERHAPS this doctor is my match and I'm going to throw him away just like all the other guys - like Steve - which I regret.

Gosh, even Phil isn't good enough and I'm freakin' in love with him... even I scared him off on purpose cuz I don't know how to handle relationships. Actually I'm terrified with them.

Now there are a couple of guys in campus that are quite the catch - but I don't want them - what the hell is my problem? It comes to the point that I'm not even intimidated as to ask them out on dates because it's too easy. I like playing the game - but I hate it.

I had someone in class hinted marriage on me - that's like asking me to marry them - don't even ask - i'm a bit depressed just thinking about it cuz it's not who I want it to be.

Shit, even if I could wish for the man of my dreams - even I don't want him. Hell is wrong with me? I'll probably end up like J.Lo. Wow - that's just sad.

Wow, You're Really Beautiful

2004-11-05T21:22:00.000-05:00

So I was walking down the mall and at an instant my eyes captured another beautiful sight. He kept my gaze and said, "Wow, you look really good... You're beautiful." I smiled and gave him a chance to tour me of this new store that just opened up. I looked over to his smiling co-worker and thought to myself... "Damn... I'm surrounded by beautiful people who dress well."

It felt like Hollywood all over again, and once more I was mingling with exotic looking people and it felt good - oh damn it felt good.

I thought to myself, "These are the types of guys I should be dating."

Quite shallow, isn't it? I know. I agree.

So his co-worker rang me up and gave me more information on the business and while he's explaining, he says, "You know, you're really beautiful."

Oh to hell with this isht!!!!

I mean, WTF... I hear people say, "You're beautiful" all the fricken time - but they're from family and close friends...

so if these guys were just lying to get a sale going - I don't care, cuz damn, it felt good. I'd rather hear, "you're beautiful" than, "I love you" any day.

But seriously - they were beautiful... sooooo beautiful that I cant get over it.

* I bought new shoes today that cost me a fortune. I'll take pictures later *

Jaeger Is A Shallow Bitch

2004-11-02T01:16:00.000-05:00

So these guys they ask me if I think they're hot stuff - of course I am honest and reply with... "You're not my type, but i don't see a problem with chatting and being friends."

Then they give me a reply, "You're a F'n Bitch."

I guess being honest in this world makes one a bitch. Hmmm... i guess that's one way to get weed people out.

Hell Am I Doing?

2004-10-31T19:51:00.000-05:00

I was covering a story this afternoon and was all over the scene taking pictures, videos and what not. It was a kids recital - quite cute to say the least. I had fun.

But tell me why... TELL ME WHY THESE FATHERS LOOKED GOOD!!!??!!! One of them approached me and asked about wireless connections. Off limits, that band wrapped around his finger - but he was still beautiful to look at.

Shame, shame, shame. It never fails. Last Halloween my roommate and I went to the local elementary school for a Halloween party. We brought our little buddies (neighbors) and I found myself checking out someone's father. I kept staring at him, looking at him and nonverbally flirting with my eyes. I wasn't at fault, he reciprocated but nothing came out of it. Boosted his ego I bet. I wonder if I can find that journal entry from last year.

Could it be that the local pool of available men are found in elementary schools? Single fathers with children looking for a wife/mother material?

If so, that's scary.

Double Trouble

2004-10-27T13:00:00.000-04:00

What is it about old flames that we never can get over them? Perhaps the break up was open ended and it wasn't suppose to happen? Or perhaps there could had been something more, but the cards weren't laid out right at that time?

Like the summer season temporarily visiting these cold, chilly autumn days... so has the Brazilian enchantment of this summers romance - but nothing is going to come out of it.

I'm a sucker for tall, exotic looking men with full lips, olive complexion, and a modest yet confident personality. I hate it.

You Would Not Believe

2004-10-20T22:35:00.000-04:00

I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like shit. My phone rang tonight and the phone was unlisted so I picked it up. Surprise, surprise...

First of all, my phone has been off the hook today. Rang how any times? Like damn.

So let's continue this drama. This never happened to me before and I never thought it would ever happen since I thought I was careful with shit like this. This is the reason I don't get into relationships or go on dates. It's because of the farce, the BS, the drama- basically, you don't know who to trust anymore.

*phone rings*

"hello?"
"is this jag?"
"who's this?"
"is this jag?"
"yeah who's this?"
"this is *****, ****'s girlfriend."

Secret's out - on the other end was the girlfriend - and at an instant I became, "The Other Woman". This has nothing to do with Phil... this is another guy from a while back.

I wanted to cry. She poured her heart out to me and a surge of the past flooded my emotions. All the sudden the feeling of being cheated on stabbed my heart. I had no idea they were together. I had no idea that "just friends" could still hurt someone. It pains me to know that I broke her heart cuz I know how it feels and it feels like hell.

It feels like you don't matter, that you're just an object being used at the moment. You don't get respect, you're just a rag, worthless, insignificant person. That's what I felt when I got cheated on. My whole world collapsed and I was in a state of depression for two years. Two years that seemed like a waste but lessons learned.

She and I talked a long time and I felt horrible - but I didn't know. I DIDN'T KNOW SHIT!!!! DAMN IT!!!

I feel horrible. I feel disgusted - but I'm guilty - guilty that I can make a guy fall in love with me without trying. But no more - even as friends... even when it seems like there's no harm done... NO MORE DRAMA!

I'm through. I'm through with romance, I'm through with love, I'm through with relationships... I'm strong on my own. This validates everything I believe in. This validates my anti-relationship/romance/dating creed.

I will not mingle with any of this love crap till I'm out of medical school.

I wish I could cry with her - I feel her pain - and I cant believe I'm the cause of another's heartache.

Damn It

2004-10-20T20:40:00.000-04:00

Phil calls me on the phone sporadically - he told me to check my mail - um... sure. So there they were - his pictures along with CD's - most of which are his compiled music files and most expensive softwares - they're all in my possession. If that's not trust I don't know what is. The boy also dyed his hair DARK BROWN!!!! Surprise, surprise. Two weeks ago I told him to dye it darker, that it would make him look more exotic - so he does it. So beautiful... so damn beautiful.

All right - I'm finally going to admit that I have a thing for him - damn it!!!! I'm a failure to my creed!!!! I'm suppose to be a disciple of romantic atheism and here I am crushing on him!!!! I'm so disappointed because this friendship is damn well near turning into a relationship.

Since I couldn't let that happen... I had to slow it down somehow so I went ahead and sent him some nasty, unattractive pictures of myself (I pull shit like this when things get serious). Woo, if that doesn't turn him off - then I don't know what would. I'm talking about early in the morning pictures when I pulled all nighters, no make up, no anything, unkempt, wearing ugly sweatshirts that make me look fat because of the size of my boobs. Big boobs wearing a sweatshirt is not a good combo.

Anyway - I'm praying that it will turn him off. He causes me to want to be in a relationship. I also think that he is too damn beautiful that it's intimidating. And since past experience proved that I'm incapable of balancing academics and a love life - I maintain that status. I'm keeping academics and throwing romance to the side - so help me God!

What The ?

2004-10-15T21:13:00.000-04:00

"I'm going to make her well dressed and popular." - (Clueless) -

So the ingredient to popularity is to dress well?

So here's the deal - there's a rumor going around campus ABOUT ME and I'm not liking the attention. Basically people cant decide if Christian and I are together. So we're both into fashion, we dress well, we take academics seriously, and we hang out - it doesn't mean that we're together. Our motto is, "Do well and look good while at it." But seriously - there's no attraction there - NONE. He's not my type.

I really wish that this campus could see Phil. Then they would say, "Oh okay... now it makes sense."

Tainted Views On Attraction

2004-10-10T15:12:00.000-04:00

Here's my overly critical views of the beautiful mingling with unfortunate, asymetrical looking souls - it's common in society. A beautiful female with a fugly hoogla - or - a beautiful god with a girl that fell off an ugly tree hitting every branch the way down. But whatever it's reality and I should just suck it up.

This brings me to my beautiful, beautiful, perfect form of art - my best friend. I would be the ugly duckling if we got together - but whatever - that's 10 years from now - after med school.

His Name Is Max

2004-10-05T21:37:00.000-04:00

His name is Max!!! The mysterious beautiful somebody that sits at the last row, right side of the chemistry ampitheatre. I have a perfect view of him everytime i look back to check the time.

His history is all right. I checked him out - he's very respectful - however his ex girlfriend is a total DOG!! Dog meaning - butt ugly, but popular. I don't understand why he dated her in the first place since she's all over the place social butterfly, miss attention whore - while he's so quiet and shy - but indeed... I've established a crush and it's him. And his voice... DAAAAMNN!!!

Geez, what kind of a name is Max, right?

All right, I shouldn't even be thinking of Max since Phil is in the picture, right? Phil is the closest to a boyfriend I have - we're going on what? almost five years? - DAMN THAT'S A LONG TIME!!! - but we're not official due to the disstance. He calls me every now and then - I don't know - something about me he cant let go - and I don't know what it is that I absolutely love about him. But whatever - Phil is a quite a catch - and it's not like Max is interested in me.

BLEH - I HATE ROMANCE AND RELATIONSHIPS!!! THEY DRIVE ME INSANE!!! I CANT EVEN STAND COUPLES WALKING HAND IN HAND. IT'S LIKE THEY CANT LIVE WITHOUT EACH OTHER - IT'S LIKE THEY'RE ATTACHED AT THE HIP AND DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER FRIENDS BUT EACH OTHER - THAT MAKES ME GAG!

Can You Feel The Pressure?

2004-09-30T21:33:00.000-04:00

There's a party going on tonight and instead I was at study group watching my crush flirt exclusively with another girl - it was hell - but the sad thing is that I KNOW I could have gotten him to be mine if I gave him more attention - however, my busy schedule broadcasts, "Independent woman who is strong on her own and has no time for romance." How unfortunate yet fortunate at the same time.

For some reason I became distant from the possible romantic conquests that would derail my acceptance to Medical School. Somehow I numbed romance out of my life. No longer do I get that intimidated feeling when a beautiful somebody smiles or sparks a conversation with me. I could care less. I see them as obstacles, hurdles to jump over and pass - keep running till the goal is reached, till I win the race - and at the end of the race - there will be waiting my career with the perfect match with that one in a million person to grow old with. It's beautiful.

I look at some people having a great time in the present and yes I get jealous, but I know I will reap what I sow in the future - I know it will yield great rewards.

Campus Of Love

2004-09-25T08:09:00.000-04:00

Relationships are notorious in this campus. There are so many couples walking hand in hand to class, kissing on the sidewalks, working out together, running together, lay a mat on the grass and studing together - like I said - IT'S EVERYWHERE!!!

It's like a bubonic plague that swarmed the campus and there I stand amidst the chaos thinking, "Get out while you can! They'll end up hurting you, fill your life with drama and you'll suffer the consequences of a broken heart, and poor grades!"

Anyway, last night I saw the most unbelievable thing... an obese girl with a deliciously, hott like fiyah boyfriend... say what? I began to shake my head and then something happened - I suddenly switched my way of thinking and said, "Good for her. She deserves him."

Weird how things change.

STOP PLAYING THE GAME ALREADY !!!!!

2004-09-13T22:37:00.000-04:00

Dude in my chemistry class - I'm crushing on him big time - and I don't know his name. Chris told me one time, but I forgot. But yes, I'm seriously crushing on him but I'm not going for it - not playing the dating or flirting game this year at all. NO WAY!!!

Sometimes it's hard to stay single - and I'm glad I have a busy schedule to politely say, "I have so much to do, there's so much going on and there's sooooooo little time." It's an excuse really - a valid one! But seriously, I REALLY don't have time!!!! I couldn't even watch NBC's second season of, The Apprentice this past Thursday - and I worship that show!!!! Watched it religiously last season.

All right, if he asks me to be his study partner? The answer will be, "HELL YEAH!!!!!" I guess that's the only way I'll date someone, friends first of course - which is good since... how many guys ask girls to study together? NONE!!!! ( at least in this campus) I AM BORN FREE!!!!

Someone is taking good care of me up there. :-) Thanks God. :-)

Walking Out Of A Fashion Magazine

2004-09-07T07:22:00.000-04:00

Chris knocked on my door yesterday and there he was standing with black dress pants, an Armani Exchange black and white shirt, silver sunglasses and his hair all nice and proper. The boy looked so good. I love standing next to him - he's the perfect complement of my world of fashion - not to mention my favorite shopping partner. He brought with him the new issue of GQ magazine - Timberlake was on the front cover looking real good.

We were at the mall going crazy in Banana Republic, Express, and all the other good stores. I absolutely LOVE hanging out with him and there's no pressure there! Where else can a girl find a fashionable guy with no interest of romance to hang out with, eh? (i'm not sure of Chris' sexual orientation).

Another well dressed guy - Greg - he's the PR officer in the Pre-Med Society. This boy dresses to kill. He's soo damn sharp. He looks better than Sebastian in Creul Intentions and that Armenian accent? WOOOoo!!! Uh huh... my friend Pat cant concentrate when he's around, specially when he shows off his arms. He's just very nice to look at.

My campus is weird in the sense that the students don't wear pajamas to class, or the typical college gear of pajamas and a hooded sweatshirt. It's like a fashion show around here, except - the people I hang out with... they like to overdress - and their apartments - wow - i bow down to them - theirs look like the Queer Eye guys gave them a visit. Absolutely splendid.

I'm such a preppy, business type, snot. And I absolutely LOVE it.

I Am Looking For A Husband

2004-09-04T14:52:00.000-04:00

As soon as I got home from church - the makeup came off, the stylish clothes replaced by a raggedy oversized university t-shirt tied in the front (like the 80's), basketball shorts, and my hair in a busted up bun held by mechanical pencils.

An hour later, while I was in my room lounging looking at pictures - there came a knock on the door - say what?

I looked through the peep hole and it was blocked - "Who is it?" I yelled.
"Just open the door," came a man's voice.

I put the sliding metal chain on its bar and grabbed the pepper spray, shaking it as I opened the door - there the person stood - JANE!!! As soon as she saw me, she screamed then gave me a hug.

WTF!?!?!?! She walked in with her nice shades, her hair all nice and proper, and a peach dress that screamed, "I AM NAKED" - but she looked good - great actually - she's such an attention whore.

So we caught up on things and what not, then the inevitable topic "LOVE".

"Jag - I'm looking for a husband!" she emphasized as she enunciated every word. I just sat down and smiled, shook my head and told her to forget about men and concentrate on academics and graduation.

This girl is looking for a husband and it was a bit entertaining because as beautiful as she is - she's having trouble finding the perfect guy.

It's kind of weird - listening to her - it reminded me of myself when I used to talk about guys and LOVE constantly. Geez, relationships don't even enter my mind anymore. I'm far toooooo busy.

Thank God!

In All Of Its Splendor

2004-09-01T00:50:00.000-04:00

I've preached to the world that keeping in touch with exes get complicated, that it's bad - that it's something one should NEVER do.

Today I talked to three different people who told me that they still talk to their exes - and I harpooned two of them for doing so... then I caught myself.

I'm a walking contradiction!

Despite the all the exes I deleted out of my life, I never actually expunged Phil, he never deleted me either. HA!! Badass!

The Cat Walk Of The Academic World - Fish But Cut Bait

2004-08-30T18:23:00.000-04:00

What a wonderful start of a new semester - the campus is flooded by young handsome blokes. Mine eyes had plenty much sugar today - woo!!! I'm just looking around - no harm done.

Please don't continue reading if you're offended by shallow people such as myself.

Let's start this off by the notorious Chad (remember him?). He was in the class before mine so we bumped into each other. The bastard ignored me, so I said hi first just to be polite. Well, the boy turns around and says, "Oh I didn't notice you there, but wow, you look great - always in style. I like the hair by the way." I smiled, said thank you or what not and proceeded to ask him about his summer.

The conversation went on but the boy was looking for a hug but I maintained my comfortable, poised, professional sitting position, nodded my head gave him the cue to leave - told him that I hope he has a great semester and that I'll see him around (I'm such a bitch). He grew silent, smiled then said that he still has my number and that he'd call me this week to hopefully go out. ( **Reminder - from previous odd situations, we know that Chad & Jaeger do not mesh well together ** )

Moving along: CHEMISTRY!!!!

So the SHALLOW part... I must say that I have the best dressed friends. :-D Today I wore an Olive green dress pants, silk khaki scarf tied around my waist, black lace tank top under a black blazer, and a matching Liz Claiborne shoes.

While walking to Chemistry, I saw my good friend Chris. This boy kills me - good lord, one of the best dressed guys I've ever met in my whole life - as well as one of the most intelligent. This boy had on black dress pants, white blazer, and white boots, struttin' around with his designer sun glasses - he looked so damn good I just had to smile.

It felt weird walking in the Chemistry class - as soon as we got in, all eyes were on Chris & I. Yikes - I felt the labeling: well-dressed snotty overacheivers.

Chris makes me feel like I just walked out of some business magazine looking all corporate and stylish. It's probably another reason why we're friends - because of something we have in common - academics and fashion.

Here's where it get's worse - then walks in Pat. This girl ALSO kills me. She came in wearing a navy blue suit and looked so damn good in it.

Let me tell you about Pat - she's just crazy. She's taking 24 credits this semester, taking three science courses, a junior in college with a cumulative GPA of 3.9, and she's only SIXTEEN years old (17 soon). Hell, and I thought I was an overacheiver - she's worse and she maintains with fashion as well.

It's awesome - I finally belong to a group that doesn't make fun of me for studying - a group that would rather hang out and watch movies - than go drinking or partying - a group that's serious about life and have an close relationship with God - a group that is walking towards the same goal - MEDICAL SCHOOL.

I LOVE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Actually

2004-08-28T20:42:00.000-04:00

As you have geniusly guessed, I just finished viewing the film, Love Actually. It's quite good to say the least and I found myself infatuated with that dark haired, mysterious man from the office named, Carl. Not just his looks, but his character - he seemed sweet.

Nonetheless, I feel great having to watch a sappy movie and afterwards maintain an emotional state and status of - happily single.

For the first time in my life - I feel like I have self control of life situations as well as having a high will power to survive and chase after my dreams - and I don't have anyone to bring me down - I don't have an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Instead I gained something greater: God, supportive family, motivated friends, and above all... I am turning out to the woman I was destined to be.

I used to think that LOVE was everything - that I wasn't complete without a boyfriend or a companion - that I was weak and abnormal to be single. Those thoughts were nothing but bitter rantings of a pitiful insecure little girl.

Next year I'm going to Hawaii for a family reunion. Actually, my aunt is getting married. Another wedding. I used to think that marriages and Karma conspired against me and mocked my singlehood - but now I smile because I know... damn it... I KNOW... that whoever he is - will be God sent.